I was attending a local small business seminar and talking to Peter, a business owner who has been experiencing incredible revenue growth -- greater than 500% in about a 2 year period. As we were talking, another person who knew Peter approached and offered a very nice compliment on his success.
The conversation went something like this:
Peter’s acquaintance said, “Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to compliment you, Peter, on how well you’ve done with your business. I’m so impressed with the incredible success and growth you’ve had!”
Peter quickly responded by saying, “It hasn’t been that incredible, we could have done a lot better. We’ve made a lot of mistakes.”
The person giving the compliment now seemed to feel awkward, and said, “We all make mistakes, but you’ve done well.”
Peter didn’t seem to accept this and replied, “I still have a lot to learn.”
I agree with that statement -- Peter does have a lot to learn. This person went out of his way to give Peter a very nice compliment, but he simply wouldn’t accept it.
Giving and receiving compliments are part of what I call the compliment contract. A compliment is a wonderful gift to receive, and it makes your admirer feel good when you accept their gift and respond with respect and sincere gratitude.
Unfortunately, Peter failed to fulfill the compliment contract in this instance. He showed no gratitude for the compliment offered. Instead, he did the equivalent of yanking the gift out of the giver’s hands, tossing it on the ground, stomping on it, and then picking it up again only to throw it back in his admirer’s face. Peter failed to honor the compliment contract because he made it all about himself.
This kind of response places your admirer in the awkward position of feeling that he (or she) has been appreciating something unworthy of praise. Worse, by rejecting the compliment and arguing against it, you are essentially telling your admirer that they have poor judgement. In Peter’s case, I am certain he will never receive another compliment from this person, who may have even lost some respect for him as well.
This type of common social interaction - the giving and receiving of compliments - is one that we should all learn to participate in successfully. It is a warm and easy way to build or strengthen any relationship. Unfortunately, like Peter, it is also something that many people have difficulty with.
Given that people today are busier than ever, it’s important to understand that the gift of a compliment is more than just the praise being offered to you. By taking the time to give you a compliment, your admirer is telling you with their actions, as well as their words, that you have inspired them by accomplishing something they feel is worthy of praise (even if you don’t). They are offering you respect by going out of their way and sharing a little bit of themselves with you. There’s no gift more valuable than that, and it should be treated with respect in return.
That’s what Peter didn’t understand and why he failed to honor the compliment contract. What mattered in that particular situation wasn’t that Peter didn’t seem to think he deserved the praise, it was that he didn’t appreciate the gift he was given.
If you tend to treat compliments the way Peter did, you need to become more cognizant of the gift you’re receiving. The best way to learn to successfully honor the compliment contract is to begin giving compliments instead of only receiving them. If you are in the habit of giving praise and appreciating the people around you, then you’ll better understand what it means to receive the gift of a compliment and how important it is to not take it for granted.
To start with, become mindful of situations when someone else is deserving of praise and go out of your way to offer it. As you develop this habit of appreciating others, you’ll begin to see the positive and the good in everything around you. You will be perceived as a confident, optimistic person and as someone worthy of respect and trust. You will also notice that the people around you will want to work with you and help you succeed because they truly care about what you stand for. As you become aware of both giving and receiving this gift, it will become easier for you to accept compliments and successfully honor the compliment contract.
Then, and only then, will you understand the value of receiving a compliment and the importance of simply saying: “Thank you” even if you don’t think you deserve it.
Thank you for listening and I hope you have a great day!